Rape. The very word is still so taboo that in one Sussex County school, it is banned. “Our counselors have to say ‘sexual assault’ instead of ‘rape’ when they provide informational programs for students,” said Tina Buckingham, director of Rape Crisis Services for CONTACT Delaware.
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. It is a time to talk about an unpleasant subject that because of the very secrecy that surrounds it, reinforces victims’ sense of guilt and shame while the perpetrators walk care-free. Indeed, The National Crime Victimization Survey (2004) found sexual assault to be one of the most underreported crimes, with more than half still being left unreported.
These are some facts:
• Every two and a half minutes, someone in America is being sexually assaulted;
• One in six American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape;
• 10 percent of victims are men;
• 44 percent of victims are younger than 18 and 80 percent are younger than 30;
• About half of all rape victims are in the lowest third of income distribution, half are in the upper two-thirds;
• Less than one third of rapes are by strangers — 47 percent of perpetrators were a friend or acquaintance of the victim, 17 percent were an intimate and 3 percent were another relative.
There is some good news. There has been a small but steady decline in the numbers of sexual assaults. It is conjectured that the decline is related to both increased awareness and the knowledge that persons convicted of sexual assault crimes must register as sex offenders and endure the humiliation of a life-long label, readily available for anyone to look up on the Internet.
It is the stories behind the numbers, however, that reveal the horror of the problem. A Delaware ninth-grader who calls herself a “broken-soul” girl, wrote the following. She bravely wants what happened to her to be publicized as part of creating awareness.
“I was raped when I was 7 and it ended when I was 10 years old. The person that raped me was a relative. He started to rape me and two other children in a month’s time. He was 10 years old. He didn’t even go to jail. He played dumb! I told when I was 12 years old.
“Every two minutes, someone is being raped. Yeah, you think that could never happen to you but, think, a male older than you can easily overpower you. I stopped wanting to be loved or hugged. I pulled away from everyone. I’m cold-hearted.
“His lawyer had tests done to check his mental condition. He even said, ‘I raped her over and over.’ The justice system let him walk. Why did that 10 year old get arrested in Seaford for raping a girl and not my rapist?
“Something should have been done, like therapy. I remember him saying, ‘Tell and I’ll rape you more than I do now and I’ll break your fingers more.’ Fear crawls up in you when you’re being raped or you see your rapist around.
“I saw the person — no, animal — that raped me go past my house and he spoke to me. His favorite words: he said, ‘I was the first to touch you and I will be the last.’ People think if you talk about it, you will feel better. I keep it bottled up inside of me. I told myself a long time ago: crying is a weak feeling to have.”
The effect of the broken soul was mentioned in the writing of another Delaware victim, now middle-aged and in her early 20s when the rape occurred:
“I wrote a poem with three verses, the first ended with the words ‘rape of body,’ the second with ‘rape of mind’ and the third with ‘rape of soul,’” she said, adding that 30 years later, she included a new last verse that ended, “repair of person.”
“The memory becomes hazy,” she said, “but you never forget. There can be a show on the television or I hear someone using the same vulgar word the rapist used and it all comes flooding back. I can feel the stickiness on my thighs and the fear in my throat again. But now I can think of my rape as just one ugly little patch in my quilt of life.”
That victim reported the rape to the police but was not unhappy that the rapist was never caught. “I didn’t want my parents to find out,” she said.
According to Buckingham, many victims think of rape as a private matter that they want to keep to themselves.
“They think that if they had been more careful, hadn’t been as trusting, hadn’t gone out, that it wouldn’t have happened. Many think that they are, in some way, at fault. We tell them that rape is never the victim’s fault. Nobody asks to be raped. Rape is an act of violence that uses sex as a weapon. Rape can happen to anyone, babies and grandmothers, pretty and plain, in rural areas and in the city.”
“Rape,” Buckingham continued, “is a crime of vulnerability and opportunity, power and control. Many rapes occur in dating situations and often alcohol is involved. Young women feel embarrassed that their judgment of someone has been so wrong. Most perpetrators are repeat offenders who continue until they get caught. That is why the police, of course, strongly encourage victims to formally report the rape — to get the rapists off the street before they do it again.”
The mission of CONTACT Delaware’s Rape Crisis Center is to support the victim by empowering each to do what is right for them.
“If, for some reason, the person can not bring themselves to go through the process of reporting, we will support them with that decision. Our counselors are advocates with no agenda,” said Buckingham. “When we get a call through our hotline, we will come to the person’s home, we’ll go with them to the hospital, we’ll provide ongoing counseling, if they choose, and we’ll go with them to court.”
The Rape Crisis Center is staffed by Buckingham and a licensed clinical social worker for each county. Most of the work, however, is performed by trained volunteers. In Sussex County there are 11 volunteers. They are women of all ages — many of whom have been personally affected by sexual assault — and all are passionate about helping victims become survivors of rape.
To become a volunteer, one has to be 18 years old, have reliable access to a car, complete 40 hours of training and commit to being on call for 12-hour shifts. Typically, Sussex volunteers respond to three to four calls per month.
Their reward is being told, “Thank you for being there, thank you for believing me.”
Buckingham is hoping that there will be sufficient interest to provide a new training class, starting at the end of April. Those who are interested can contact her at (302) 422-2078.
In addition to direct support to clients, CONTACT Delaware’s Rape Crisis Services include telephone counseling. For every primary victim, there are many secondary victims, Buckingham explained.
“Often we get a call on the hotline from someone who has found out a loved one has been raped. They want to know what to say, and what not to say or do. Particularly, mothers can be upset when they find out their daughter has been raped and didn’t tell them what happened at the time.”
Other services include providing information and referrals, in-school counseling, support group services and speaking to groups. Funding for CONTACT Delaware comes from government grants, the United Way, special events and private donations. In addition to the Rape Crisis Program, CONTACT Delaware provides a 24-hour hotline for telephone counseling, problem solving and crisis (including suicide) intervention. All services are provided free of charge and all performed on an anonymous basis.
In Sexual Assault Awareness Month, Buckingham hopes many more people will learn the myths of rape (and the real facts), how to reduce the risk of rape, what to do if you know somebody who is raped, and where to turn for help if you are a victim yourself. Pamphlets with all this information and more, as well as speakers who can come to a club or civic organization, can be obtained by contacting Buckingham.
On Saturday, April 22, Delaware will be participating in the national “Walk In My Shoes” campaign to promote awareness and prevention of sexual assault. Everyone is invited to walk from Kent General Hospital to Legislative Hall to show their support for victims. All are asked to donate a symbolic pair of shoes that will be displayed to represent the enormity of the problem. Along with the display of shoes will be thoughts and poems written by survivors. The words of the ninth-grader quoted in this article, as well as one of her poems, will be included amongst those on display.
To reach any of the hotline services provided by CONTACT Delaware, call 1-800-262-9800. Additional information is available on the web site at www.contactdelaware.org.